Borrowing a leaf from Freud

I often dream I'm back in boarding school - vividly, in detailed technicolour. Images, locations and people vary a lot, but loosely the theme remains the same - I'm back there and whenever I ask people when I can go back they tell me that I can leave once I've finished with school. I remember one particular dream where i said "but i have to go back to my husband and my job" and they said "you can go when term ends."

It fascinates me that I dream about that strongly enough to remember in such detail. I mean, I have been to about eleven schools. Why dream about just this one? I must confess - of all the schools I've been to, my feelings about boarding school are most ambiguous. I was there age 13-16. And over the last 12 years I've never been back to visit even once. And I'm pretty steadfast about avoiding everyone from boarding school. It was a batch of about 100 people and know how many I'm in touch with? regularly? as a friend? None. I've often tried to analyse why I pretend that that part of my life just didn't happen. Or it was just a bad dream (pun unintended). When I force myself to think about school my mind immediately latches on to an image of a place which is an exact replica of all the American teen/high school flicks. But the thing is - logically, rationally - I know I had fun. I know I had friends. Hell - I even managed a boyfriend.

Sometimes i think my anxious desire to ignore that part of my life is more to do with the fact that i was going through an awful teenage phase than the place itself. Which is not to say the people there were angels - kids can be mean! And the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that's the reason. Over the last 12 years, occasionally I've been cornered into attending a gathering of the masses. to drink, to reminisce and to enjoy the company of old friends.And there's nothing like a gathering like this to make me feel unintelligent, unattractive, uninteresting, ugly, un-confident and un-pretty-much-everything that I am now. I guess its not pleasant to see where you started out from and not particularly liking who you were at one point of time. So what do you think? Do I need therapy?!