I've been sitting on this post for a while. I wasn't sure whether it was appropriate to think the way I do about this.
In March this year, AD's grandmother passed away. She was in her mid 90's and had suffered from Alzheimer's for years. She was a small shriveled up woman, hunched over with age, snow white hair and no teeth. And how she had suffered through her last years. I think her passing was bittersweet for her two sons and daughter (my mother in law). They were sad because their mother was no more, but relieved that her suffering was done.
It should have been a solemn affair. A dignified send off for someone who left many happy memories behind. Then, that bane of Indian society, Ritual, raised its ugly head. Everyone from her sister to the maid was saying various versions of "Aap XYZ nahin kar rahe hain? Hamareyahan toh aisa hota hai" Still, this is standard behaviour in this country, one hardly notices it anymore. Then came the Preparation of the Body.
AD's aunt (uncle's wife), is incredibly religious and is a little bit anal about getting the rituals right. At the risk of sounding cynical, she's more form than substance. She had incredibly rigid notions about how things should and shouldn't be done for her mother in law's send off. The most offensive of this was that the daughter (that would be my mom in law) should not be involved in the body prep - Didi aap haat mat lagao was what she was told. Fine. This was annoying but not something I was going to butt into. Then it was decided that only bahu's are allowed to help with the prep.
And that's where I came in. I was horrified, appaled and disgusted. With all due respect to naani, I'd barely been married 2 years and she was completely out of it the whole time. Its not like I had any bonds of affection with her. It sounds awful but its true. When you get married, you give your husbands family respect because its their due but neither your husband nor you can be expected to love the others' family as deeply as you do. Lets be honest - its not possible. So there I was, cringing because I hated what I was expected to do. And I was furious. A dead body is not something you go about 'preparing' for a funeral unless you care deeply for that person. Or if you're a mortician I guess. What bugged me most, was if beti cannot touch her mother in death, how come beti's bahu is acceptable? I have never been more angry with my husband, though poor fellow, technically its not his fault. At the risk of sounding insensitive, it was gross.
In case you're wondering whether I got conned into doing it because there was a houseful of judgmental Punjabi women looking at me as the kaali south ki bahu who may or may not have sanskar, the answer is - not really. Someone dunked my hand in a cup of dahi which I was supposed to smear on. I gingerly poked at one shoulder (somehow that seemed to be the most inoffensive part - dunno why). Then there were plenty of bottles (honey, rose water, some oils, ghee) that needed to be opened so I grabbed them all and made a great show of opening them all slowly pacing myself till the rest of them were done. Then I ran away and didn't show my face till they were ready to leave. Yes I know that's not very mature, but it was the best I could improvise.
Later I thought, how sad for the old lady, after living almost a century, to have the attention of some random person behaving like she's an object of squeamishness rather than her daughter who loved her so much.
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