Lately I hear myself talk and I cringe at how mean and small I sound. And I feel even worse about my behaviour because its not your fault - just.... you're the softest target. Believe me I know what I'm putting you through.
It's not your fault that your dreams have been incubating for a while and their fruition is taking longer than I'd imagined. Its not your fault that I'm impatient. It's not your fault that by some quirk of fate we've spent a year at my parents house and will soon be moving to your mother's house. It's not your fault that at 27 I seem to have zero ambition in life except to want the one thing that we cannot practically have at this point - a home of our own.
You know this, but I wanted to tell you again anyway. All my life I've moved from one place to another. I've never had a home which houses all my childhood memories. I've never had the opportunity to walk into a home, point to a corner and begin a story that started, "When I was XYZ age, that was the spot where I....". I always thought that when I grew up, I would have a place to call my own. A place where everything from the curtains to the upholstery, the linen, and even the coir foot-mat outside the door was mine. I never envisioned a fancy place. But it was irrevocably mine. Every corner would have the stamp of my personality and every nook and cranny had been filled with knick-knacks and history that was ours. Just ours and nobody else.
Which brings me to the point of living with our parents. My parent's house is not mine. It will always offer me a safe haven from the world and I will always be welcome here, but it's not mine. It's theirs. Its been built with my parents' sweat, tears, love and hard work. Its the home of the two people I love most. But it's just that - theirs. Just as your mother's house is hers. Its the home you were born in. The home you have your first memories of, the home you grew up in. You didn't move out till you were 22. You love that home. And I understand, even envy that attachment a little bit. But its the home your mother has built for you over the last three decades. Every corner of that house, for her, has memories of her family. Its hers. Reiterating to me over and over again that it's my house too by virtue of having married you does not make it my home.
Fact of the matter is I'm really scared of having to go live with 'the in-laws'. I'm afraid of the expectations on me as the daughter in law. I'm afraid that in a bid to preserve peace and not rock the boat I'm going to give in a lot and resent every moment of it. I feel helpless every time your mother turns a wounded gaze on me and says plaintively "this is your home too. If you want, I'll move out, but this is your home." It makes me feel lower than a worm and the guilt just kills me and makes me angry all at once. I respect your mother and care for her. I know she's never been anything but lovely to me. I'm not the evil daughter in law who wants the property but not the elders. But she's had her turn a building a home and family. Now its my turn. Why should I give up my dream for a convenient piece of excellently located property? . I'm afraid that 10 years later, we'll still be living there bringing up our kids and pets in a manner that conforms to her expectations because ultimately its her house and I will never be able to shake off that notion. I'm afraid I'm going to lose myself.
You've been so wonderful and have assured me repeatedly that this wont happen. That this is temporary. Even when I demand reassurance over and over again till I begin to irritate myself, you patiently tell me that everyone will look up soon and give me a hug. As much as I snipe and bitch, I want you to know how much I appreciate that. I'm scared that everything seems to be out of control. I feel like I'm dangling on the wheel of fortune and regardless of what I want, I will have to get off wherever the wheel stops turning. And that, all at once, scares, depresses and infuriates me.
I wanted to tell you that I'm working very hard to control myself. I'm not proud of myself these days at all. I want you to know that whatever you do I will always be there for you. I may be kicking and screaming initially but never doubt I'm behind you. And I'm trying to be a better and more supportive wife. I guess I'm not there just but hang on a bit, I'll get there.
Your patience is appreciated hugely.
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